…and I don’t like physical journals. To easy for some nosy bastard to snoop through. You never know who’s going to find what you wrote.
I started this ‘journal’ because I really do need to offload some of what’s in my head, but I go to therapy once a month, which is fine I suppose, but I don’t actually want feedback with this. That’s why I write.
At my last therapist appointment, she asked if I have a journal. Of course I said no because I didn’t have one…but I do now.
I’ve been feeling a ton of anxiety over the last few months, sometimes depression. Sometimes I hate my life. I’m not where I want to be, NOR where I feel like I should be.
I’m tired of chasing money. Tired of feeling like ‘less than’ because I just can’t seem to make shit work. I think it’s mostly because I have the attention span of a fucking gnat. Can’t stick with anything for longer than a few months…maybe weeks.
I have so much going on in my head, that I can’t tell anyone. It’s not detrimental shit, just feelings. Mental shit.
I feel like I’m behind. I spent my entire adult life raising kids, and now that that’s not my job anymore, I don’t fucking know what to do with myself.
I feel useless. But truth be told, I’m actually smarter than the ‘average bear’.
So why am I broke? Why am I so fucking sad? Why am I so anxious? Why do I want to cry ALL the fucking time??
I don’t want a relationship. I don’t really even have friends. I don’t want any. I don’t trust people, especially women.
My therapist says that I need to get out of the house, and not work so much.
I have to work. If I’m not working, I feel like nothing will happen.
I’m living in my brother’s house so that I can help my mom out, and I hate it here.
I hate the room that I’m in, I hate that it’s so fucking noisy. I can hear every creak and footstep above my head. I can even hear the fucking cats running around at 2 am when my niece ‘forgets’ to put one of them in the cage.
When I moved into this room, it was nice and clean. But it seems to have devolved into what I can only admit is a reflection of what’s going on in my head. Complete chaos.
It’s chaotic because like I said before, I feel like I’m playing ‘catch up’. I’m behind with regard to finances and making money because I spent those relationship building years, and career building years running around with kids.
So now I feel like I have nothing. I’m starting from 0.
In addition, I have a blog that I started a year ago that’s growing, but now it’s stagnant. Not growing beyond the 300 – 400 page views a month stage.
I’m wondering if I should start an affiliate program. Build courses and /or eBooks, and recruit my newsletter signups to be affiliates.
Truth be told, I have no idea WHAT I wanna do.